======================================== ==The World According To Homer Simpson== ======================================== >Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? > Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they > shoot bees at you? > ------ >Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What > about bacon? >Lisa: No. >Homer: Ham? >Lisa: No! >Homer: Pork chops? >Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! >Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical > animal. > ------ >Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, > or a sleazy male stripper? >Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? >Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! >Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? > ------ >Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something > old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and > forgot how to drive? >Marge: That's because you were drunk! >Homer: And how! > ------ >Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge! >Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich. > ------ >Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're > making a scene." > ------ >Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to > pass me the syrup? >Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. >Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any > meat products. >Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy? >Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like > I do every morning. >Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. >Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out. >Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard > what you said. >Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. >Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to, >Homer: Bart, go to your room! > ------- >Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am >so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T! > ------ >Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills > brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... > where our beds and TV... is. > ------ >Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911! > ------ >Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat! > ------ >Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? >Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. > (Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.) >Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) > mmm...sacrilicious. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... beer. > ------ >Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible > cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a > sinner! Except this guy. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola. > ------ >Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? >Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I > love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... free goo. > ------ >Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? >Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. >Homer: Ummm... revenge? >Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step > step...slam) > ------ >Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but > let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you > with beer. >Homer's Brain: It's a deal! > ------ >Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk... > ------ >Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! >Marge: How were you a political prisoner? >Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a > picture? > ------ >Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, > and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) > ------ >Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. >Homer: Ooo, that's bad. >Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! >Homer: That's good! >Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. >Homer: That's bad. >Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! >Homer: That's good! >Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... >Homer: >Old man: That's bad. >Homer: Can I go now? > ------ >Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're > prejudiced against all races. > ------ >Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English. > ------ >Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether > you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. > ------ >Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson > is, never try. > ------ >Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch > munch)... 63 (munch munch munch) >(cut to much later) >Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch) >Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese? >Homer: I think I'm blind. > ------ >Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but > somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. > ------ >Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. >Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. >Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. >Homer: Okay, I will! > ------ >Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space? >Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the > terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of > Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! > DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably) > ------ >Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it? > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... soylent green. > ------ >Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things. > ------ >Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut. >Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts! >Homer: Explain how. >Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services! >Homer: Woo hoo! > ------ >Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I > thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- > Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that > movie -- Police Academy. > ------ >Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? >Homer: No! I swear on this bible! >Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. >Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. > ------ >Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! >Homer: Did you wreck the car? >Bart: No. >Homer: Did you raise the dead? >Lisa: Yes. >Homer: But the car's okay? >Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. >Homer: All right then. > ------ >Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... > ------ >Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an > offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you > wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign > whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch). > ------ >Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful > fashion? >Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy. > ------ >Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him! >Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. >Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I >became deeply cynical. > ------ >Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know? > ------ >Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back >here anyway. > ------ >Homer: We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all >of those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody >laughing, did you? >